-|*SaNCtUaRY*|-

Deep Cuts

I thought being young has an advantage to everything. I guess not.

I flunk my o’s, due to my injury. Got into a local private business school. Picked things up quickly. And thought I will not see another "Fail" in the report card. I failed the subject I was confident in.

Since secondary school, I picked up maths concept quickly, but somehow when there’s a twist to the question, I got stuck. And unable to do well. I can never undo the knots.

The day before the exam day for quantitative method, my brother and my bf taught me. The pressure of not able to undo the knots just got to me. Slowly, I found myself drenched in tears, sweat and mucus. Ok, that’s gross. lol.

I’m a coward. I tried to runaway from my exam. When I reached the polyclinic, then I had stomach aches. The doctor diagnosed me having food poisoning. Such coincidence. Should I even be glad? Ha, I do not know.

I ran away again. The supplementary paper for the subject I thought I’m good at. Ha. I’m really a coward. Keep on running away. I ran away from NAFA. ‘Cos I couldn’t stand myself not being as talented as the others.

I hated myself.

Someone told me before, I was irresponsible and think that things is simple.
Yea. To me, things is just either A, or B not A or B then it’ll just be C. Things just wouldn’t shape into a D or E. Oh c’mon.. LIfe is like an equation. Just know the right set of formulas and apply them respectively. How hard can it be? Applied the wrong one? You’ve learnt a lesson, then try the next formula. Just keep on trying till you get it right.

But how many chances are to give before you even got them right in time?

I recently been to an interview. It’s a big respectable firm in Singapore.
I got trashed badly. Reality hit me real bad. You just hoped you died there, than living through it. Got humiliated. But, I’ve learnt big from there. Despite it hurts.

People just love to be picky. They sculptured a certain expectation. You happen to qualify them. They started digging the dirt and throw them at ya. Right at your face.
My dirt happens to be my cowardice and my O’s. I thought by holding at least half a Diploma and with an experience of servicing customers, it’ll be an advantage. DEH .. WRONG.

So, I’ve made up my mind. I decided to resit my O’s. No more being a coward.

Hopefully, this would turn out well…

I won’t bury my mistakes under the carpet. Having to learn my mistakes, and improved not just the situation but also, on the whole, improved myself as a person, is a satisfaction growth of maturity.

By posting this here, I’ve already taken my first step.

Have you?